Dear Lover 🔊


dear lover,

move me with your clear direction, hold me in my passion
touch me with each breath you’re taking, melt away my walls
expose what is beneath it all
a glowing force
a dancing flame
a naked woman with no name
dear lover, with your solid presence warm my thin bare shoulders


dear lover, let’s catch morning dew and rain it in our gardens
with true and vivid colours let us paint a path, then run
and laugh with me as we trip and fall
as we change the hue
as our dreams we see
holding hands whilst running free
air between us, air is nothing, my dear lover, trust me!


dear lover, hear the ocean lap its love beneath our heartbeats
it’s ours to sail, to drink, to splash, to cleanse in every day
let us float on its calm surface
trusting, knowing
that we’re carried
we are weightless, we are married!
let’s dive deep into the water, free-dive for the pearls


open me
play with me
let me in

dear lover,
that is all I ask
of body, mind, and soul


Quadrilogy Of Silence


There’s a pain within me
It feeds on my teenage soul
Pain is contagious, I have learned that
My pain always becomes their pain
And I want to shield them from this pain
My family
This pain needs to be controlled

They shall never feel my pain
Because I love them


My pain finds me hiding places where it can breathe its heavy breath
I move into the house next-door
Their house is for laughter, my house is for tears
Sometimes I have to run the last steps at night to make it
The tears overflow before I put the key in the lock, and I fall to the floor as I close the door behind me
Safe in silent solitude

Some pain can only exist at certain temperatures
It naturally evaporates in an environment warmed up by love and connection
Somewhere on the way from their house to my house the temperature drops and the pain rains down on me

They shall never see my pain
Their love is too warm


My pain has no beginning, no middle, no end
No story, no thoughts, only hazy intangible feelings
Real pain should have reasons, I know that
Reasons other than ungratefulness and guilt, spiralling away
Because I am blessed with all I could ever want!
It would break their hearts to know that was not enough

They shall never hear my pain
My pain has no words


Only if I’m silent can I shield them
Only when I hide can I be me
Only if I’m silent can I shield me
Only if I run will I be free

So I run
Further and further away

and before that…

The Dungeon

I am chained to a hospital bed
Chained with a metal pin through my shin, attached to a structure with weights stretching my leg away from my tattered hip
To give it space to heal


They drilled a hole
I was high so I laughed at the tingling vibration as it pushed through my shin bone
Until it hit the nerves on the other side
Skin bubbling out
And I cried out in pain
Mum holding my hand

And then they chained me

Bruised and battered and broken they chained me
Until I have healed, the doctors said, vaguely
Until the pain is gone
As if the pain would ever go away…


I’m fourteen years old and this room is my dungeon
They bring me food
They treat allright
They allow visitors to come and to leave
And all I can think of is leaving, too

Doctors ask me how I’m doing
I play their game

Only if I’m silent will I be free


I share my dungeon with three other beds
Sometimes there are small, small people in them, parents holding their tiny hands
One three-year old boy with epilepsy stays for maybe a week
Having seizures every night
But then he goes, too

But I’m staying in the dungeon
Chained to my bed
Not feeling
To eventually be set free, too

I dream of running almost every night
I wake up from the pain of having pulled my leg towards me with all my strength in a dream attempt to run away
No one holding my hand


Finally, the day they take me out of my chains
The test
Not of my body, but of my willpower
“Does not hurt” I say
And they set me free

and before that…

In Transfer

I guess I’m lucky
I’m sure they told me

I should be grateful


A cute young doctor rolls me out of the intensive care yard
I’m being transferred to the children’s hospital
He seems hostile
I feel shy

Mum tells me I screamed and swore at the doctors the night before as she brought me in to the emergency yard
I went havoc when they tried to put the IV in
I did not make a good impression, apparently

I look at my blue arms
I cannot bend them due to all the bruises from punctured veins
My body is sore and battered
Numb and in pain at the same time
I feel the embarrassment amongst her fear, relief, chock
Her trauma

So I bury my experience under a layer of guilt and shame
And I leave it there


No one asks how I feel
What I felt

I, least of all

and before that…


Blue monitors shining a pale light in the dark yard
Humming noises from machines
I’m gone again


Fluorescent light
My body shut down
The numbed presence caused by pain too strong to handle
A blurry awareness of a black leg
I’m gone again


The sudden burning pain of a tube being shovelled down my throat
Needles in my arms, in my hands
Every cell of my body trying to push the foreign objects out
But I cannot move
I’m gone again


Car lights on the road in front of me
Magical power lifting me up
The inhuman strength of a mother saving her child
The excruciating pain of being moved shutting down the short glimpse
But before that: relief?
I’m gone again



Three remarkably clear thoughts:
1: no one will look for me
2: I’m in the middle of an unlit road, the next car coming will kill me
3: I have to MOVE!!!

I try to drag myself off the road, but I’m incapable of moving even an inch
I fight to stay conscious, to stay in the glimpse
To save myself
I’m gone again


There is no accident

There is the before:
The point of insight that this is not going to end well
The low January sun is still up
And the after:
It’s dark and I’m on the road

I don’t have the in between
The place where all change happens


Swimming 🔊

ian-espinosa-311604To you
It’s a beautiful ocean

To you
It’s warm waves rolling in
Caressing your feet
As they sink a little into wet summer sand

You wave at me from the shore

You shrug as I do not wave back


But I’m caught in a rip
And my arms are frenetically swimming and swimming and swimming!

To stay where I am
To not drift away
Out into nothingness
Out to where no one will wave from the shore!


Was I born swimming – was I born in this rip?

I don’t even know anymore…


So I swim towards shore
To stay where I am
To not drift away
To see when you wave

Here, in my rip
I feel safe when I swim
Swim towards shore
Swim towards you


And not until he suddenly appears behind me
Not until his strong arms reach for me and pull me out of my rip
Not until he brings me back to the shore, although I’m kicking and screaming
Not until he sits me down on the warm sand and tells me that everything is going to be fine
Not until he holds me – silently, patiently – for minutes and hours and days and months
Not until I finally let go and my body stops swimming

Do I realise
I’m exhausted

Do I realise I was never safe in that rip
Swimming – to stay where I was
Swimming – to belong in your life for a second or two
As I saw you
See me
From your shore


Until he pulled me out
Your wave pulled me forward
The rip pulled me back
I stayed where I was
I knew nothing else
But MY rip and YOUR wave

I knew nothing else
But swimming


Star Drops

senjuti-kundu-349426star drops in your naked air
bare feet running catching day dreams
love dust in your wild blond hair
playing cheeky with the sunbeams

small hands smeared with jam of life
eyes filled with desire
golden laughter melting strife

it’s you that I admire