Quadrilogy Of Silence


There’s a pain within me
It feeds on my teenage soul
Pain is contagious, I have learned that
My pain always becomes their pain
And I want to shield them from this pain
My family
This pain needs to be controlled

They shall never feel my pain
Because I love them


My pain finds me hiding places where it can breathe its heavy breath
I move into the house next-door
Their house is for laughter, my house is for tears
Sometimes I have to run the last steps at night to make it
The tears overflow before I put the key in the lock, and I fall to the floor as I close the door behind me
Safe in silent solitude

Some pain can only exist at certain temperatures
It naturally evaporates in an environment warmed up by love and connection
Somewhere on the way from their house to my house the temperature drops and the pain rains down on me

They shall never see my pain
Their love is too warm


My pain has no beginning, no middle, no end
No story, no thoughts, only hazy intangible feelings
Real pain should have reasons, I know that
Reasons other than ungratefulness and guilt, spiralling away
Because I am blessed with all I could ever want!
It would break their hearts to know that was not enough

They shall never hear my pain
My pain has no words


Only if I’m silent can I shield them
Only when I hide can I be me
Only if I’m silent can I shield me
Only if I run will I be free

So I run
Further and further away

and before that…

The Dungeon

I am chained to a hospital bed
Chained with a metal pin through my shin, attached to a structure with weights stretching my leg away from my tattered hip
To give it space to heal


They drilled a hole
I was high so I laughed at the tingling vibration as it pushed through my shin bone
Until it hit the nerves on the other side
Skin bubbling out
And I cried out in pain
Mum holding my hand

And then they chained me

Bruised and battered and broken they chained me
Until I have healed, the doctors said, vaguely
Until the pain is gone
As if the pain would ever go away…


I’m fourteen years old and this room is my dungeon
They bring me food
They treat allright
They allow visitors to come and to leave
And all I can think of is leaving, too

Doctors ask me how I’m doing
I play their game

Only if I’m silent will I be free


I share my dungeon with three other beds
Sometimes there are small, small people in them, parents holding their tiny hands
One three-year old boy with epilepsy stays for maybe a week
Having seizures every night
But then he goes, too

But I’m staying in the dungeon
Chained to my bed
Not feeling
To eventually be set free, too

I dream of running almost every night
I wake up from the pain of having pulled my leg towards me with all my strength in a dream attempt to run away
No one holding my hand


Finally, the day they take me out of my chains
The test
Not of my body, but of my willpower
“Does not hurt” I say
And they set me free

and before that…

In Transfer

I guess I’m lucky
I’m sure they told me

I should be grateful


A cute young doctor rolls me out of the intensive care yard
I’m being transferred to the children’s hospital
He seems hostile
I feel shy

Mum tells me I screamed and swore at the doctors the night before as she brought me in to the emergency yard
I went havoc when they tried to put the IV in
I did not make a good impression, apparently

I look at my blue arms
I cannot bend them due to all the bruises from punctured veins
My body is sore and battered
Numb and in pain at the same time
I feel the embarrassment amongst her fear, relief, chock
Her trauma

So I bury my experience under a layer of guilt and shame
And I leave it there


No one asks how I feel
What I felt

I, least of all

and before that…


Blue monitors shining a pale light in the dark yard
Humming noises from machines
I’m gone again


Fluorescent light
My body shut down
The numbed presence caused by pain too strong to handle
A blurry awareness of a black leg
I’m gone again


The sudden burning pain of a tube being shovelled down my throat
Needles in my arms, in my hands
Every cell of my body trying to push the foreign objects out
But I cannot move
I’m gone again


Car lights on the road in front of me
Magical power lifting me up
The inhuman strength of a mother saving her child
The excruciating pain of being moved shutting down the short glimpse
But before that: relief?
I’m gone again



Three remarkably clear thoughts:
1: no one will look for me
2: I’m in the middle of an unlit road, the next car coming will kill me
3: I have to MOVE!!!

I try to drag myself off the road, but I’m incapable of moving even an inch
I fight to stay conscious, to stay in the glimpse
To save myself
I’m gone again


There is no accident

There is the before:
The point of insight that this is not going to end well
The low January sun is still up
And the after:
It’s dark and I’m on the road

I don’t have the in between
The place where all change happens


Song For The Less Bitter 🔊


I once tried to be friends with this guy. He was a perceived solution to a deep longing for belonging – of sharing similar interest of renovation, interior design, music and getting dance floors pumping. We could talk kitchen taps for hours. I believed – and still believe – that we could have been great friends. 

He at one point sent me an acoustic recording of a song he’d written, asking if I’d like to write some alternative lyrics. It was called “Song for the Bitter”. An angry heartbreak song. I listened to it once, twice, three times, then wrote these lyrics in half an hour, recorded it in one take on my iPhone at the kitchen table, and sent it back to him. I called it “Song for the Less Bitter”.

Some things should not be overthought.

He never really commented on it. Maybe he overthought it…

It’s still a break-up song, sad but not bitter. Letting go is hard and painful. Sometimes we hold on for too long, afraid of that pain. Telling ourselves the lie that we don’t know that life has other plans. That we don’t know that it’s time to let go. I kept his “Do What You Want”. It beautifully illustrates the point where we’ve stopped holding on, but are not yet truly letting go. We feel powerlessness, not acceptance.

It was never recorded to be shared, and I feel a bit selt-concious about it since I’m not a singer, I’m a lyricist, but here it is:

(If you’re reading this via email, you unfortunately have to go to the blog post to get the soundcloud link. Sorry. Click the title.)

Do what you want
I don’t care about it
Do what you want

Go if you want
I’m not standing in your way
Go if you want

I’ve prepared myself for this moment for so long
Knowing one day when I wake up you will be gone

You smile, I’m crying
My tears are poison to your heart
We love, I’m lying
The lies are tearing me apart
But we close our eyes and sigh
All along we’ve known that some love must die

Leave if you can
But pack my pain and take my tears
Leave if you can

Do what you need
We’ve been holding on for years
Do what you need, leave if you can!

Our love was never right but it was strong
It kept us hostage, when we both knew we had to move on

You hide, I’m crying
My tears are poison to your heart
We love, I’m lying
The lies are tearing me apart
But we close our eyes and sigh
All along we’ve known that some love must die

Doors are closing we must never go back never go back
Back again
Hearts are bleeding, we are letting them mend letting them mend
Mend again

Do want you want
I’m not even gonna look
Do want you want
Leave me alone
I don’t want to show my tears
Do want you want, leave me alone!

I’ve prepared myself for this moment for so long
Knowing one day when I wake up you will be gone

You lie, I’m crying
My tears are poison to your heart
We love, I’m lying
The lies are tearing me apart
But we close our eyes and sigh
Cus all along we’ve known that this love must die


A Poem to Anxiety 🔊


I wake up and you are there

Before any thoughts
Before any other feelings
I sense you
Vibrating within me
Shaking unease into every cell of my body
Shouting “Danger!” to my system

And so the battle begins…

When you are there
Every task requires my uttermost self-control
Every thought is a fight between us

You are not stress
You are not worry
You are not depression
You’re a traitor in my biochemical system
An infiltrator manipulating the messages

I’m aware of your presence and I try to validate the messages
But it’s exhausting
This game of ours
It drains me, functioning on the outside
When you are there creating havoc on the inside

I can feel you as a persistent vibration in my cells
Or as a sudden electric heatwave throughout my body
I can feel you as a dark blanket suddenly thrown over my brain
Or as a billion thoughts, thought at once

You shake me
You hit me
You blind me
You overwhelm me

Those are your tactics

You’re attacking me from within
There’s nothing fair about your game
You give no reasons, only orders
And your harsh voice is echoing within me


And all I can do is compassionately reply

Stay calm!
Stay calm!
Stay calm!

My Fear. My Sadness. My Failure.

Today I have had a hard day. And I could do what I would normally do – let the emotions pass in silence or contain them in a piece of art – but today I want them out in their ugliness. I want to share some of the feelings we so often hide, like fear, sadness, failure. I want to be as real as possible about them.

It could be any type of loss or heartbreak, the emotions are the same. The details are not important. But I have a chronic illness – a medically manageable chronic illness. It’s not even that uncommon. I’ve had it for over a decade. It should not have to affect my life as long as I’m on medication, but it has, and up until about one and a half years ago my symptoms got increasingly worse, to the point of me not functioning. I was in a dysfunctional relationship with an illness, and I let it affect every part of my life.

I took a chance about half a year ago. I went off the medication, and to everyone’s surprise, I got clinically well! As in all symptoms disappeared and I felt better than ever before in my adult life! I could exercise again, I was full of energy and felt strong. I recognised myself, my mind and my emotions, the feeling of a healthy body. My blood tests were catastrophical – I was definitely biochemically ill and no doctors could explain what was going on – but they decided to have faith in the possibility of me being an exceptional case and we agreed that I stay off the medicine but under observation, with the hope my body would heal itself also biochemically and the blood values would improve. We went through the risks and I accepted them.

Today, after spending most of the day at the hospital doing tests, the verdict came that my system has finally failed and I will be in a coma within weeks if I don’t get back on the medicine.


And it could be much worse – there are people every day getting much harsher verdicts than that – but we feel what we feel, and to me, this ultimatum tore down a wall of years of trying to be strong and fight and staying positive and suffering only in solitude, and I allowed myself to just feel. Everything.

I cried through all the tests, I cried on the bus home. I cried sitting watching the ocean and I cried walking home. I cried talking to one of those friends who gives beautiful, silent hugs, and I cried talking to another friend who compassionately set my options straight. I cried trying to eat and cried sitting down to share these feelings with you. And I’m not done crying.

I cried tears of failure, of being beaten by stupid illness, of finally being too tired of this shit to resist or fight. I cried for all the fucking hard years and I cried for the deeply rooted fear of ending up there again – a life that is no life to me, being someone I don’t know. I felt forced back into a dysfunctional relationship, deprived of my freedom. And I felt scared, really really scared. And stuck. And lost. And lonely.

And I started the process of mourning the door closed, that a part of my body has finally physically failed, has died, and I will from now on not live without medicine. We just have to make it work.

I cried for my own outstanding ability to fool the world, including myself. I cried because my body is not telling me it’s failing. It’s lying to me. It’s begging me to believe that all is good! And I don’t know how to trust it now, and that frightens me.

And I cried because it felt unfair, that maybe I was only given a few months of remembering who I am, of trusting myself, of feeling free and reconnected with the world. I cried, and I added some tears of self-pity.

I had no idea I had this many tears.
I had no idea I needed them this much.


Of course I will get back onto medication, choosing life, even if I said months back that I wouldn’t and everyone around me was cheering me on. Faced with only weeks left as the alternative I do believe most of you think it’s a great idea if I give in. The month ahead does not seem fun enough to give it all up for.

Maybe I just really needed these tears of surrender, tears built up over years and years of fighting. Maybe this is the beginning of something new and beautiful. It’s very possible my fear is unsubstantiated. I will not allow what was to come back. Maybe I will be strong enough to keep this feeling. Maybe we will live happily ever after, my illness and I. Maybe we just needed this time apart to find ourselves. But that is not the point. Neither are any solutions to any problems that anyone could potentially come up with, nor any comparisons to anything else happening in the world. The point is my tears, my fear, my sadness. My feeling of failure, of hopelessness, of loneliness. My surrender and my acceptance.

Raw feelings, served on a plate of words.
As I have promised you.


Weather 🔊


And I break up with you
And I take you back

I condemn your actions and I forgive you
Acknowledging that you’re only trying your best to exist in my presence
You poor man…

And I apologize for my fears
And I love you for your patience
And I praise my self-control, that this whole drama is safely contained within me
That you don’t even notice
Because I’m keeping you away
And that makes me sad – I want to have you close!
I want to share the crazy wild storms with you
But who could possibly stand a weather like this?
All the forces of mother nature hitting at once
A few minutes of armageddon
Before the world calms down again
And we can enjoy the blue skies and the warm breeze from the ocean together


Everybody wants sunshine
I’m alone in the storm, shouting truth into the wind for no one to hear
And alone, I hear nature’s beautiful answer