Swimming 🔊

ian-espinosa-311604To you
It’s a beautiful ocean

To you
It’s warm waves rolling in
Caressing your feet
As they sink a little into wet summer sand

You wave at me from the shore

You shrug as I do not wave back


But I’m caught in a rip
And my arms are frenetically swimming and swimming and swimming!

To stay where I am
To not drift away
Out into nothingness
Out to where no one will wave from the shore!


Was I born swimming – was I born in this rip?

I don’t even know anymore…


So I swim towards shore
To stay where I am
To not drift away
To see when you wave

Here, in my rip
I feel safe when I swim
Swim towards shore
Swim towards you


And not until he suddenly appears behind me
Not until his strong arms reach for me and pull me out of my rip
Not until he brings me back to the shore, although I’m kicking and screaming
Not until he sits me down on the warm sand and tells me that everything is going to be fine
Not until he holds me – silently, patiently – for minutes and hours and days and months
Not until I finally let go and my body stops swimming

Do I realise
I’m exhausted

Do I realise I was never safe in that rip
Swimming – to stay where I was
Swimming – to belong in your life for a second or two
As I saw you
See me
From your shore


Until he pulled me out
Your wave pulled me forward
The rip pulled me back
I stayed where I was
I knew nothing else
But MY rip and YOUR wave

I knew nothing else
But swimming


Hurricane Grief 🔊


you announced your arrival a long time ago

I was waiting for you


and so you finally came, my storm

you rip all leaves off my majestic trees
you destroy the shelter I carefully built
with merciless power you force everything to the ground
in pieces

I try to stand tall but you want me on my knees
I shout into your wind, shout ‘I’m stronger than you!’
but you swallow my words
and you laugh in my face

I finally sink to the ground
as my weak body buckles and surrenders
I close my eyes
and I hold on to the bare, brown earth underneath me

there is nothing else to hold on to


‘storm, are you killing me?!?’

you roar in the wind

and so I breathe you in
and I breathe into you
I’m in my storm
my storm is in me
and that is all there is

a song of breath, of life, of death


but I hear distant voices reminding me that I’m not alone
and your gusty winds whisper truth in my ears
reminding me that everything changes
saying no wind is a storm forever
telling me to be patient

so I breathe
I hold on to the ground and I trust

I trust that you tear only that which is weak
that Old is destroyed to make room for the New
that this too is good, that this too will ease
that there’s love in your force, my Hurricane Grief

you calm down

I raise my head
I slowly straighten my cramped up body
and look around

grateful for life

and sunbeams find me through the now naked branches
the fallen old leaves become food for my soil
my shelter is gone, and I will not rebuild it
I leave it in Past, where it belongs

I breathe in the Now with my clean and strong lungs
I look at the Future and then I start walking
I carry my faith, my trust, my song
and my heart on my sleeve

(Dedicated to the distant voices and the whispering winds.)

I Tried 🔊


I tried to forget it, the love I was feeling
for someone who couldn’t be mine
and channel those feelings to friendship, but never
we managed to walk that thin line

so I tried to reason my heart into sense
“You are asking the moon to be blue!”
“don’t love what you can’t have, don’t feel feelings that hurt you!”
but my heart just kept saying “I DO!”

so I tried to deny it, I put on a lid
and told us a desperate lie
and my health bore the burden as my bucket exploded
the lid flying high in the sky!

so I tried to accept it, the love in my heart
compassionately letting it be
and slowly it opened, said “thank you for listning,
but I’m lost now, and no longer know me!”

so I tried to find me, amongst the love and the lies
the denial, the feelings, the memory
I forgave and accepted, I let go of my guilt
and turned my focus on the future to be

I declared our love dead and mourned my loss
I engraved a stone with my pain
I finally cried for days in a row
then thought you were gone, but in vain!

here you are! oh how foolish to think I could bury
a love that’s determined to last
no, irony laughs, and destiny whispers
“he is part of both future and past!”

our hearts are allies in the war we’re both fighting
we’re outnumbered, outpowered, we’ll break
unless we surrender and let them keep loving,
those hearts, in their way, and take

the guilt and the pain and resistance away
knowing ALL LOVE is a blessing
and blessed we can trust the future to come
as it’s meant to, accepting the missing

I’ve moved on, i’ve moved backwards, I’ve been aimlessly moving
in circles, frustrated, for so long
searching for places where your heart can’t find me
but maybe I knew all along

that no place exists where you cannot touch me
you find me wherever I hide
your heart is my heart, and no moving or hiding
can ever escape what’s inside


Just Before The Light


And with all the stories stripped away
The awareness left can be so painfully silent
Painfully lonely

When there is nothing left to analyse
No one left to blame
Not even myself
That moment before acceptance, peace
when the darkness embraces me
with love
And I twist and turn to get away
But it holds me like a mother holds an upset child
Until I finally surrender in its arms

That moment just before it releases me to run back into the light to play

Yep, that moment…

Tears Without Stories


i cry on the bus


i don’t know


i search my stories for reasons, take them out one by one
i want to indulge in them, feast on them
hide in them
feel safe in them
but they are old and rotten, one quick taste and they fade away on the tip of my tongue
leaving tears without reasons

my world feels empty, deprived of safety stories
there’s only naked pain
and there’s nothing to do
but to feel it