Swimming 🔊

ian-espinosa-311604To you
It’s a beautiful ocean

To you
It’s warm waves rolling in
Caressing your feet
As they sink a little into wet summer sand

You wave at me from the shore

You shrug as I do not wave back


But I’m caught in a rip
And my arms are frenetically swimming and swimming and swimming!

To stay where I am
To not drift away
Out into nothingness
Out to where no one will wave from the shore!


Was I born swimming – was I born in this rip?

I don’t even know anymore…


So I swim towards shore
To stay where I am
To not drift away
To see when you wave

Here, in my rip
I feel safe when I swim
Swim towards shore
Swim towards you


And not until he suddenly appears behind me
Not until his strong arms reach for me and pull me out of my rip
Not until he brings me back to the shore, although I’m kicking and screaming
Not until he sits me down on the warm sand and tells me that everything is going to be fine
Not until he holds me – silently, patiently – for minutes and hours and days and months
Not until I finally let go and my body stops swimming

Do I realise
I’m exhausted

Do I realise I was never safe in that rip
Swimming – to stay where I was
Swimming – to belong in your life for a second or two
As I saw you
See me
From your shore


Until he pulled me out
Your wave pulled me forward
The rip pulled me back
I stayed where I was
I knew nothing else
But MY rip and YOUR wave

I knew nothing else
But swimming


War 🔊


I recently read Maj-Gull Axelsson’s ‘Jag heter inte Miriam’ (My name is not Miriam). To me, a heart-breaking soul-touching reality-pinching love-filling story of a young girl’s way through WWII concentration camps and into the Swedish post-war society. It’s a journey of never feeling safe due to who you “really are” and the constant battle with memories too painful to live with. It is also a great portray of the Swedish way of dealing with emotions, and anything that could – God forbid – trigger them. 

Although I’ve lived abroad for soon a decade, my hands are still tied with Swedish ropes. I‘m afraid of making anyone uncomfortable with my feelings. I’m afraid of being judged, I’m afraid of being misunderstood and labelled. I too want to be liked and included. Consistent lightheartedness and happiness is the ticket for that. Emotional authenticity is not. As a result, I’ve all my life withdrawn with the feelings not fitting the template. But the only thing more painful than to suffer, is to suffer alone. 

People don’t need to be felt for, they need to be felt WITH!
Both in pain and in joy.

In order to feel WITH someone, to share their emotional experience, we need to be brave enough to face the reflections of their feelings within ourselves. 

I need to dare going into the burning war zone to fetch those suffering, if I want them to laugh with me in the sunshine. And I need to be brave enough to share with you my war, too.

Stilla Dig, Själ (Swedish): Calm Down, My Soul

—— # ——

Stilla dig, själ, I know there’s a riot
A conflict is growing, this place is not safe
The “us” has been split into opposite forces
Rubbing intolerance, blood in the chafe

A world that is slipping through fingers like lava
Burning the naked red flesh on its way
Chafes turning wounds turning holes turning craters
Hollowing me, but resistant I stay

A gunshot too close, dead gaze of the loveless
A taste of true fear and my feet start to run
Leaving all safe to flee back into safety
A refugee born, an exile begun

—— # ——

Aimless wander on roads of no country
Stealing my needs, drinking hope from the well
Shadows accompanying, absence defining
Moonlight illuming both heaven and hell

Stilla min själ, you see my eyes begging
I’ll make you feel loved if you hold me tonight
To stop me from shaking for only one moment
Please make this world safe, please make it allright!

You take all my love, you keep all your safety
I wake up and sneak past your soldier with gun
Fear stronger, wound deeper, trust sold for a penny
The war zone expanding, it can’t be outrun

There! Village Of Love with high fences, barbed wire
Boarder control playing chess with all lives
The safe girl can enter, the unsafe deported
To build her own village – if she survives…

—— # ——

Gone is the dream there’s a place that is safety
Gone is the dream there’s a place to belong
I’m back in my war zone, there is no more running
Stilla dig, själ, and sing me your song

And angels sing hymns as I watch the bombs falling
From crispy cold infinite skies oh so blue
My arms wrapped around me, my love as my shelter
I wish you were here, I wish we were two

My arms are only just better than nothing!
They can’t keep me warm, I’m cold to the bone
I know now – past running – that all that I wanted
Was not to be left in my war all alone

A Poem to Anxiety 🔊


I wake up and you are there

Before any thoughts
Before any other feelings
I sense you
Vibrating within me
Shaking unease into every cell of my body
Shouting “Danger!” to my system

And so the battle begins…

When you are there
Every task requires my uttermost self-control
Every thought is a fight between us

You are not stress
You are not worry
You are not depression
You’re a traitor in my biochemical system
An infiltrator manipulating the messages

I’m aware of your presence and I try to validate the messages
But it’s exhausting
This game of ours
It drains me, functioning on the outside
When you are there creating havoc on the inside

I can feel you as a persistent vibration in my cells
Or as a sudden electric heatwave throughout my body
I can feel you as a dark blanket suddenly thrown over my brain
Or as a billion thoughts, thought at once

You shake me
You hit me
You blind me
You overwhelm me

Those are your tactics

You’re attacking me from within
There’s nothing fair about your game
You give no reasons, only orders
And your harsh voice is echoing within me


And all I can do is compassionately reply

Stay calm!
Stay calm!
Stay calm!